Are Zombies Real?
Everyday as I commute on I-805 my brain shuts off. I’m fairly certain that most of the other drivers who are trying to kill me, cut me off, and sext on their phones are actual zombies. Not the, ‘I need another espresso,‘ type of zombie. They are brain eating, rotten flesh, human cannibal walking dead. Stupid zombies.
Zombies have remained urban legends for thousands of years, mostly being subjects of gory campfire tales. With the advent of motion picture, zombies have moaned and groaned their way onto the big screens. It wasn’t until the first live zombie attack was caught on tape in Florida a few years ago, that anyone had seen a REAL zombie in the flesh. Finally the question, ‘Do zombies exist?‘ was answered once and for all.
There have been several zombie survival guides published over the last few years. Ask yourself, if zombies don’t exist, why are there so many zombie survival guides? The truth is zombies are real, and they walk among us each day. These guides are offer useful tips and tricks to help you survive in the extremely awkward event that you come across a real-life zombie. My favorite trick is to keep a fresh brain on ice in a beer cooler not farther than 2.75 meters away from me at all times. As you might expect, sometimes this doesn’t help my romantic dating life. But what is more important, getting some face time with the hottie who works in the mail room or saving your face from a carnivorous zombie face eating attack?
How to date zombie girls.
The short answer is, don’t do it. I know there are some super hot zombie chicks but it isn’t worth it. Let’s face it, zombies don’t follow the strictest personal hygiene habits. In the rare case that you may get zombie-googles after attending the Slickster Magazine Christmas party and decide (against all advice) that you are going to drunk dial that zombie hottie who you see everyday as you walk past the graveyard, at least use a stainless steel condom for oral sex. Chain mail also works but is more difficult and expensive to find. I recommend the brand Chayne-Male, but that is just me.
There are several types of zombies. There are viral zombies that are the result of ‘real’ zombie virus; the classic walking dead zombies made popular in the documentary films of George Romero. Also, there are more modern zombies, which are much more into Zumba, Shake Weight, and Jazzercise, can run quite fast. These running zombies are real and they will sweat and stench all over your favorite piece of cardio equipment at the gym. Proper etiquette in this situation is to offer a hand towel in a discrete manner when they are nearing the apex of their workout. They may look at you funny, but don’t worry; they aren’t offended! Remember, these are the living dead! They don’t have normal feelings like you and me.
In summary, zombies are real and they are right here among the living every day. Some even work at Hooters. 
If you happen to meet a zombie in person and don’t have the time to play zombie games, then locate the nearest zombie tool and bludgeon the walking corpse in the skull several times. They’ll get the point and leave you alone.
Have you met a zombie? Tell us your experience in the comments below.
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