April 15th 2016 at 5:30 p.m.
How powerful is nerd rage?
Last week I wrote a column and finally weighed in on the Batman vs. Superman movie. I am not going to make excuses, but in a work-induced, insomniac daze, I cut some corners. I did not fact check my comic book storyline details. This resulted in the mistake of stating that Hawkeye shot Superman with the Kryptonite arrow, and not Green Arrow.
Holy Bat-shit, Batman! Fanboys and other nerd ragers lit my ass up. (…And I thank them for keeping me honest, BTW.) It got me thinking though, nerd rage is a very powerful thing. It has the power to sway executives to make decisions based on popular opinion. Just think about Johnny Blaze being a black guy in Fantastic Four or was it Fan-Four-Stick….? I can’t remember. Or Venus Di Milo, the female ninja turtle.
But let’s suppose for just a moment that nerd rage could actually could be a physical power. What would it be? Would it be the power to do good are to be evil? I am positive a lot of the classic destructive super powers would be among them. We are talking about rage, after all.
So things such as pyrokinesis would probably be pretty high up on the list. The power to teleport to whichever manufacturer’s house of the his favorite gaming peripheral that just broke on them in the middle of a boss battle would also be up there. And if you were going to go pick a fist fight after all, I guess you’re going to need the nerd rage power of Jeet Kune Do badassery.
But obviously, nerd rage wouldn’t be that cool. These are nerds! And they are raging, so what would a more practical example of how powerful nerd rage could be maybe look like? Maybe something like this…
Nerd rage would be so powerful, that it could instantly increase the speed of your crappy internet connection. Buffering be gone, so that NOOB wanna-be lag is GTFO. HD porn, anyone?
Nerd rage would be so powerful, it would give you the creativity to instantly write something funny on a chat room crawl. Congratulations you are now the envy of all eight people on the same Twitch stream as you. Knocked ’em dead with your copy and paste r/Jokes post. Great job. (That’s sarcasm. See Family Guy.)
Nerd rage would be so powerful, that you could instantly learn to speak Korean when that 12-year-old K-Pop kid schools you in League of Legends.
Nerd rage would be so powerful, that you could punch through for empty pizza boxes and three Alienware monitors at the same time. Double XP.
Nerd rage would be so powerful, that you could ban any admin that pissed you off to The Phantom Zone by merely thinking the words, “I am Dork-El, leader of the planet Plimpton, and I hereby ban this admin to The Phantom Zone.” Then a magic mirror, not the dick shaped one man space rockets from Man of Steel, would wish away that pesky admin. Or maybe it would be the dick shaped rockets. Come on, they clearly looked like dicks, am I right?
Nerd rage would be so powerful, that you could go back to the past. And play the shitty games that sucked ass, or summon a giant diarrhea dump in someone’s ear when you want it to. This has nice rhythm to it… sounds like a song or something…
Nerd rage will be so powerful, that you could win. Anything. Anytime. Period.
Nerd rage would be so powerful, that you could have the courage to stand up to your boss, who is a bully, when you come to work five minutes late.
Let’s not leave the ladies out of this. Nerd rage would be so powerful, that you would instantly be able to make your boyfriend listen to your monotonous, boring, never get to the point stories, for hours and hours on end. Just kidding girls, don’t be all butt hurt. Now please get out of the way, I’m playing Witcher 3. Thank you.
Nerd rage would be so powerful that you could will the Detroit Lions to win the Superbowl in 2017. Who am I kidding? That ain’t never going to happen.
Nerd rage would burn with the power of a thousand suns.
With the power of nerd rage you could tear a Wookie’s arms out of his sockets.
Or perhaps the most powerful of all powerful nerd rages would be the power of… Love. We love our games. We live and die with our favorite characters. When that shitty Time Warner or Cox Communications internet goes down right in the middle of your Protoss melee rush, you have the right to be upset. A little nerd rage never hurt anyone and for all you ragers out there… We salute you.
Rage on, my brother, rage on.