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Ordering Wine and How it Can Get You Laid

November 16, 2016, at 5:15 a.m.


One of the best things about wine is very simple and very obvious. Women love drinking it. Women also love when a man knows about wine. It’s an aphrodisiac. Wine will quite literally make her clothes fall off. An Italian study has shown that women who drink two glasses of wine per day are hornier than those who do not. And who am I to argue with scientists.

Frequently when addressing the subject of improving our odds of getting laid we hear the angry feminist ranting about how men are pigs, dogs, etc. Those are mostly lesbians; we won’t worry about them. What we want to do with regard to wine is to take advantage of what I call the “Fifty Shades of Grey effect.”

Wine has been portrayed heavily in movies and television as a sexual stimulant for women. Magically, women are accepting of this change. But you can’t just order any old bottle and think it will make her want you. You need to know a little bit too. Let me help with that.

Wine has been around for about 7,000 years give or take a few centuries. Only in recent time, the past decade or two, has a stigma developed that wine is somehow not a manly drink. Not only is this incorrect, it is total horse shit. What could be manlier than being successful with the ladies?

There is also a small faction who would claim that wine has low alcohol content and as a result is not a real man’s drink. Modern wines range between 12 and 16% alcohol content, down from the roughly 20 percent alcohol content of most Roman wines. The current size of the wine bottle is said to predate the Romans and was considered the approximate amount of wine a man would drink with dinner.

Drinking a bottle of wine every night with dinner is surely nothing even the most seasoned alcoholic would throw shade at. So if by now the rumors are not dispelled about wine being unmanly we will just ignore them. The people saying it are likely closeted homosexuals anyway; we won’t worry about them.

So now you know a little bit. At least some interesting talking points for your womanizing arsenal. Now let’s get to the hard part. Ordering the wine. Modern wine makers have started to do a few things in pursuit of profits that are in opposition to our purposes.

What is our enemy’s name you ask? Moscato. This is the bubonic plague of machismo. Moscato is best described, for arguments sake, as white wine mixed with sprite. It’s sparkling white grape juice. Stay away from it. A close cousin to this sugary devil is the blush or rosé wines. These are acceptable when paired with specific foods but this pairing is a difficult task for most of us, so to be safe just stay away from that too.

Since we are avoiding blush wines and Moscato. That leaves us with the basics; red, white and bubbles. White is easy to deal with. Order it if you’re eating fish. Otherwise, forget about it. Bubbles we will get to last. So let’s start with red wine.

Red wine is one of the more complex things on the face of the earth. Thousands of grape variants produced in hundreds of places leads to billions of possible combinations, every single year. To make this easy on yourself we will stick to what we will consider to be the big three. Pinot Noir, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Red Blends. It’s always best to share a bottle of one of these with your special lady. The mutual partaking will support you in trying to establish the connection with your date.

Pinot Noir is most often referred to simply as Pinot. Pronounced “pee-no.” If you don’t like wine but decided on ordering it this is where you should start. It’s lighter in taste than most red wines but still acceptable on all occasions. To look like you know what you are doing stick to Pinot from one of these four places. Napa Valley and Sonoma in California, Willamette Valley in Oregon, and the Barossa Valley in Australia. You can safely order Pinot from basically every year and it should at least be decent.

Cabernet Sauvignon is referred to a Cabernet, pronounced cab-err-nay or merely cab. This one is a bit tougher to order. It’s more complex than other wines and produced in a lot more places. Dining out in the United States you should always be able to find this on the menu. You will want to order cabernet from Napa Valley if possible. Every above average restaurant in America will have a Napa Valley Cabernet on the menu. The vintages being served most frequently right now are 2012, 2013 and 2014. These were all great years in Napa, so order any bottles of these years in your preferred price range.

The red blends prove the greatest difficulty in ordering for the novice. The premiere red blends are from France, namely Bordeaux. Other regions produce great red blends as well. For the novice that’s looking to take some risk. The main thing you can do if ordering Bordeaux wine is to make sure you don’t order it too young. It needs to be at least five years old. Chances are also that it will taste very dry immediately out of the bottle. That dryness can be described as tannic or “tight”. Let some air get to the wine, it will improve. This phenomenon can also apply to the cabernet wines.

Lastly, we have the bubbles. Bubbles are easy, stick with Champagne. Drinking it on its own is always acceptable. Even if she doesn’t like drinking it the experience of ordering it is enough to provide excitement. What you need to know about bubbles is that if it’s called Champagne it’s from the Champagne region of France, and likely of good quality.

Other than this you need to make sure it has a vintage, a production year on the bottle. If it’s called Champagne and it has a year on the bottle all you have to do is decide how much you want to spend. In the case of Champagne quality the older the better is a good rule to live by. Corresponding with the age and the quality will also be a bigger price tag.

And there you have it. Your quick and dirty guide to ordering wine. Hopefully this knowledge will aide you in many sexual conquests to come. I’ve accrued this knowledge from years of chasing women and it has proven to be time tested. Why give away my secrets you ask?

There is no point in me holding onto it anymore as I am now married. So my private parts are just for show.

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