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Signs you are GAPER on New Year’s Eve

Signs you are GAPER on New Year’s Eve

12/29/2017 – New Year’s Eve is a special night.  ‘Amateur night’ is what some people call it.  GAPER is generally a term for skiers and snowboarders who suck, or a throughly worn out pornstar.  We’re going to appropriate the adjective for the purposes of this article.  With New Years Eve and the close of 2017 knocking on the door, here are some sure fire signs that you might very well be a huge gaper.

You argue with the doorman.

We’ve all seen it happen, but it’s like a train wreck we can’t turn away from.  Some entitled duchebag thinks he’s going to talk his way past the 300 lb. gorilla at the front door. It holds up the rest of the line, and doesn’t get loudmouth any closer to getting into the club.  If you think you can do this, then guess what?  You’re a gaper.

You spend $3000.00 on a bottle of shitty champagne.

So you can drop 300 Benjamins on a pop the of cork? Congratulations, you’re a gaper.  First of all, the people around you aren’t your friends, they’re only acting that way.  Second, here are a few of the things you could have bought with the money you wasted…. 600x McPick 2‘s.  3x iPhone 8‘s.  Ƀ 0.21 in Bitcoin.  1,500 dates with your sister… just kidding, we used to sneak over at night and get hand jobs from her for free.

You spend more time taking selfies than hanging with your friends.

Like it or hate it, smartphones are a part of our life.  We want to document our good times and share the moments with our friends. So much, that sometimes forsake the actual activity of spending time with our friends.  So, if you’re at the New Year’s Eve party and you can’t take the phone out of your hand, you’re a gaper.  Put down your fucking phone and have a real face to face conversation.  Besides, everyone knows that your online digital life isn’t nearly as cool as you try and make it look.

*One exception to this rule:  If you need evidence of the Upper Decker you pulled off. 

You post anything #virtuesignal on social media on NYE.

#worstyearever  – Yeah, you suck. While I’m on this rant, if you write anything like, “It’s time to look back at our past, and look ahead at our future“, please take out a Sharpie and scribble ‘CLICHE’ in huge letters on your face.  A coked up monkey with a typewriter could come up with something more original than that.  Why do you have to wax nostalgic, when you could just say, “Yeah we fucked up a few times, and we did pretty good other times“. So keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times, and fuck’s sake keep your Hollywood half-baked regurgitations away from my party.

You keep ‘the help’ way past the time you agreed to.

Cooks, babysitters and drivers have lives too.  So, when you hired one of them to cater your party, watch your kid or chauffeur you around they expect to know when they can get home.  Unless you are coughing some serious cash to pay for the overtime, you’re a gaper.  Stick to the time you agreed to or soon there after.  If you don’t, they’ll still smile and be polite, but you better pay up.  Besides, your ‘one big night‘ of the year is just a typical day at the office for them.  You don’t have anything they haven’t seen a hundred times on boring Friday night downtown.

You drive drunk.

drunk-driving Hooch, the hard stuff, firewater, rotgut, moonshine, white lightning, grog, the demon rum,… whatever you call it, we’ve probably drank it.  Just to set the record straight, we’re no fucking angels over here at Slickster Magazine.  Plenty of donuts have been done in empty parking lots at 2:30 a.m.  by our staff members.  But, there’s a difference between knowing your limit and knowing when to say, “Fuck it. I’m getting a taxi an Uber“. Make the right choice and pool your cash together so you and bros can get home from NYE safe and sound.  Crash on the couch.  Even better, crash on the hottie’s couch that you hooked up with at the office party!  Designate your one responsible friend to be the sober guy behind the wheel.   Because, if you drive drunk on New Years Eve and kill someone, you’ll be the ultimo GAPER.


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