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How to Tell Your Sports Team Sucks

Sports are awesome. But sometimes the teams you root for are anything but awesome. It’s been a rough week for me. The Reds lost last night to the Cardinals and fell to 63-84. The Bengals haven’t had a single touchdown all season (both games have been at home.) And the Sacramento Kings hold the record for the longest NBA Finals appearance drought at 66 years. Being a fan of bad teams is never easy, so we’re going to show you ways to recognize your team absolutely sucks.

The Number of “Franchise” Players the Team’s Had. How to Tell Your Sports Team Sucks

The Cleveland Browns are the best example in sports for this issue. Since moving back to Cleveland the Browns have trotted out a grand total of 27 different starting quarterbacks. Whether it was ill-fated picks like Johnny Manziel, washouts like Robert Griffin III, or perennial backups like Brian Hoyer the Browns have never gotten it together. Every year you’ll hear fans tout how their new guy is totally going to be “the guy” for years to come. Only for injuries, poor production, or the like to show the depressing reality of the situation. So if you see a carousel of players constantly going in and out of the franchise, there’s a good chance the organization isn’t built to succeed. After all, stability is a huge factor in terms of success.

You Feel Like a Hipster Watching Your Team.

Let’s be honest you probably feel like a hipster rooting for your team. You’ll get a lot of you actually root for them comments anytime you mention it. Whenever you talk with people who are fans of other teams you feel awkward talking about your team. Your team is so irrelevant that people forget they exist sometimes. You are team is like the microbrew of sports. Completely original. Extremely unique, will the passionate fan base. And so full of bullshit that it takes a true fan to gag it down year after year.

How to Tell Your Sports Team SucksYou can Hear the Game Really Well

Teams with really passionate fans that pack the stadium move the Earth. Literally. During home games, fans will be whipped into a frenzy of excitement. A frenzy so extreme that it’s measured on the Richter scale. Generally speaking, you don’t have to worry about that with your team. Either because the fans at the game are also depressed they don’t bother making any noise, or because there’s just nobody at the game you can hear it perfectly fine. You’ll be able to hear the call-outs during the football game. You can hear the ball being dribbled at a basketball game. And you can hear the board chatter by the Outfield at a baseball game.

You Watch the Game Because you Feel You Must.

Sometimes, you really don’t want to watch your team play because you know it won’t end well. You’re on like your third major losing streak of the season. Every time you guys give up easy points you feel the abyss creep slowly towards you. You can feel the icy grip of defeat around your heart the moment the game begins. But there you sit on your recliner, all clad your your team colors.

You’ve got a game to watch and quality be damned, you’re gonna watch it. Even though it’s like watching your dog get beaten to death sometimes, you still watch the damn game. And when it’s over, and you’ve lost once again, you feel a sense of accomplishment. Not just because your team gave up the most points in a single quarter in the history of the game. But because the loyalty you have to this team has been further cemented.

You’re Defensive About How Your Team Sucks

Let’s be honest. Nobody will ever admit that their team sucks. At least, they won’t say that they’re the worst team in the league. Do they suck? Sure. Are they at least below average? Of course! Winning half your games a season feels like a pipe dream. But are you guys the worst? HELL NO. Sports teams are an odd dance of humility and arrogance. Saying your the best can seem bandwagon-y. But saying your the worst? Naw. There are some things in sports you don’t admit to. And being the worst is number two. (Number one is admitting your rival is better in any way.)

You Know You’re Gonna Lose

Being a fan of bad sports teams is depressing. You just know they’re going to lose. There’s something about this lead that doesn’t feel right, it’s like it’s about to slip through your fingers. And lo and behold it happens. With about 40 to 50 seconds left in the game, they do it. They blow the lead. they managed to once again snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. You knew it was going to happen. After they got off that huge run to start the game, after there was a lull in the action to end the second quarter, you could just tell it was going to happen eventually. And next week the same thing is going to happen. You’ll be able to feel out how the team is going to lose it by the end of the first quarter, because that’s your team. A bunch of losers.


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