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Thursday, March 28, 2024

The Bride – The blue balls of horror movies

Russian horror movie cock teases for hours

The Bride delivers scares, but the payoff isn’t worth the wait.

11/18/2017 – Hey guys, have you ever been on a date with a girl and you can feel the attraction between you two?  It’s fourth or fifth time you’ve been out and sparks have been flying.  All week she’s been telling you that her roommate is away for the weekend and the sexting has been off the charts nasty.

Saturday night rolls around, you meet up and have a great date.  She invites you in to her place and the action starts to get hot n’ heavy.  Then…

For whatever reason; she got cold feet, you said something stupid about her favorite band, or whiskey dick makes a sudden and embarrassing appearance, and instantly the night comes to a grinding, smashing abrupt halt.  You’ve had a raging hard-on for the last three hours and now you have to face the cold truth; You and your little brother won’t be crossing the finish line tonight.  And from the looks of it, maybe for a while if you fucked up that bad.

There is a dull throbbing pain local to the region of the groin.  Congratulations, you just got blue balled.  Blue balls is a slang term for the condition of temporary fluid congestion in the testicles accompanied by testicular pain, caused by prolonged sexual arousal in the human male without ejaculation.

This is a perfect metaphor for The Bride, a Russian-made horror movie from 2017.  This suspenseful film leaves you hanging on the edge of your seat for so long, that by the time you reach the end, you wish you would have just watched something else instead.

Maybe Train to Busan.  Zombies are always a win in my book.

Writer/ director Svyatoslav Podgaevskiy conjures up a decent suspenseful thriller.

The story, while convoluted at times is actually pretty good.  Jumping back and forth between historical Russia and modern times, a young woman becomes the target of her fiancé’s creepy family.  The family has plenty of skeletons in the closet, sometimes literally, and The Bride becomes the target for the supernatural evil that haunts the house.  With dark lighting, strong ambient music and interesting camera angles, The Bride does create a an atmosphere of suspense.  The viewer is never quite sure if this particular scene is going to be the one where the malevolent being is going to finally appear.

So, you wait.  And you are thinking to yourself, “Here it comes!”  But, Nastya, (the young bride) escapes and the tension in the scene is releases.  Then it builds again. And again, nothing happens.  And again, and again, and again.  I’m looking at the clock now.  I’ve been watching this movie for over 45 minutes and still no major scare.

Victoria Agalakova, The Bride
Victoria Agalakova is the sexy blonde Russian actress in the The Bride (2017).

Victoria Agalakova (Nastya) delivers a solid performance as the tormented young lady.  Beautiful and sexy, it’s easy to see why she was cast in the role.  Speaking of blue balls, in the post title crawl scene, she prances around the apartment in her thong panties.  That would be enough to blue ball any male horror fan watching The Bride.  Yet, there are key plot elements surrounding her virginity.  Agalakova does her best to embrace the roll of modern scream queen.  She isn’t a damsel in distress, but the opposite.  Nastya doesn’t wait for the knight in shining armor to come and rescue her, she often takes matters into own hands and works to find solutions to problems.

Worth watching, but be prepared to wait.

If you’re looking for a horror thriller, I recommend The Bride.  The movie is subtitled for non-Russian speaking viewers.  There are plenty of spooky moments, but the final climax takes so long to arrive I wasn’t invested in the movie when it finally did.

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