Cleveland Oakes, May 27, 2016, at 1:49 p.m.
With the start of the warm weather so comes to an end another long and perhaps torturous “cuffing” season. Spring 2016 is quickly coming to an end and summer is approaching. That means if you are like thousands of your fellow young Americans that it’s time to hit the party scene with your best bros. If you have found that in your first couple of weeks back in the game you are continuing to fail on the social scene, then this Top Ten Reasons You Can’t Get The Girl list is for you.
10. You are a Slob
Why this is important: I once listened to Al Roker speak in person, and he said he lived by the mantra, “You are your own brand. Think of yourself as your own source of income. If you were a store you need to be neat, well light, and perfectly arranged.”
What you are doing wrong: Have you ever once gone out to a bar or a nightclub and seen a girl in anything less than her best clothes? “Hair did, nails did, and everything did.” When you show up to a date or a night out with anything but your best gear on you are already showing lack of appreciation for the hours of primping she probably put in. I shudder to think of the number of times I’ve been out on the town and watched couples unevenly dressed. The young woman dressed to the nines, and her date looks like he just rolled out of bed.
How you can make it right: Remember what Al said at the beginning of this paragraph? You are you own brand. If you want the attention of quality women then you will wear quality gear. That doesn’t mean you have to go out and spend your money on Gucci or Armani. It means that you polish you shoes, iron your clothes, brush your teeth, make sure you haven’t overdone it with cologne, and lastly make sure your hair is on point.
9. You are Out of Shape
Why this is important: That’s a no brainer. While women aren’t as judgmental about physical appearances as some men are about women, no one wants to be with that guy who has a gut that hangs over his belt. The benefits of being in shape aren’t just for your date, but they also for you. Your clothes will look better. You will feel better about yourself. An added plus is you will have more energy for activities with your partner.
What you are doing wrong: While it’s great to get in a good session of gaming, or bingewatching your favorite TV show, it’s also important to make sure you make time for physical activity. In addition, are you spending too much time with your best bros, eating and drinking to excess multiple times a week several times a month? While celebrities seems to party every day, trust me the ones you find the most attractive really spend the majority of their time eating clean and working out.
How can you make it right: Do you need to go out and get an expensive gym member ship? No. While having access to a structured place to work out helps it’s not necessary. The key to being fit is being consistent. Walking as little as a half hour a day and reducing calorie intake are important first steps to a healthier more attractive you. Dieting is just a means to an end, being fit is a simple mathematical formula, you must burn more calories than you consume.
8. You are Insecure and Unassertive
Why this is important: This works hand in hand to ideas of both 10 and 9. Remember that trendy store that everyone wants to shop in? (That’s you, if you don’t recall.) What would you buy in that store if all the sales people where gloomy? Or if you asked them a question they shrugged their shoulders and asked you for your opinion? Would you eat dinner in a restaurant where the waiter couldn’t recommend a single dish? You would probably excuse yourself politely and slowly back out of the door. Then why should a girl like you, if you have nothing to show for yourself?
What you are doing wrong: You are indecisive; instead of making a plan directly you ask her multiple times what she wants to do. You walk with your shoulders slumped, you can’t maintain good eye contact, and you barely speak.
How you can make it right: While it is very important to take your dates wishes into consideration, as a rule people are attracted to men and women who are sure of themselves. That cocky no good asshole who always gets the girl, that guy wins because just like the smarmy used car salesman that got you to buy that Model-T for several thousand dollars than it was worth he is confident, maintains eye contact, and makes you feel like the only person that mattered in the world. While arrogance is unattractive, remember your date is looking for someone with a decent level of mastery and competence. Jobs don’t hire candidates that are unsure of themselves and neither do people pick unsure partners.
7. You are a Nice Guy
Why this is important: While this may seem like the right thing to do, let me be clear by what I mean is a nice guy. A nice guy is the dude that’s been pining over his best friend for years. One day she calls him up and says, “Hey I’m coming into to town late can you pick me up from the airport at 2 a.m.?” The nice guy thinks this is chance for some romance. So he goes to airport with thoughts of passion in his mind. Instead, once she is in the car, his bestie asks him to drop her off at her boyfriend’s house.
What you are doing wrong: This goes back to insecurity and unassertiveness. There are many people who think they can get the guy/girl by just being nice. They will fall in love with you because you are the best person they have ever met and you treat them so much nicer than their last boyfriend/girlfriend. But you never once said how you really felt. Have you ever gone to a store and waited for someone to bring you the items you wanted? No! You were direct and you went and got them, you brought them to cashier and you paid for them!
How you can make it right: While it is important not to come on too strong, it is important to be direct about what you want and your expectations. If you don’t want to be so called “friend zoned” you need to make it clear from the very beginning that you are interested in being more than friends.
6. You are Trying too Hard
Why this is important: While you need to be assertive and direct it is important not to be overbearing. Keeping the store analogy in mind would you rather shop in a store with loud music, hyperactive staff, and dazzling lights? Or would you rather shop in a store with gentle sounds; a staff member offering a simple glass of your favorite beverage; and space to think about you decision before you buy?
What you are doing wrong: To put it simply everything! You are doing too much. Hell you might as well be in the bar wearing a T-shirt that says #nochills. You are Pepe Le Pew on crack, and your efforts to work the room are driving everyone away.
How can you make it right: Just be easy, be yourself, not a character on a TV show or music video. Like the movie “Field of Dreams.” If you build it they will come. There is no reason to try to impress anyone.
5. You are too Smart for your Own Good
Why this is important: No one goes out to have fun to only end up being lectured about religion, politics, fitness, or why your belief system is all wrong.
What you are doing wrong: You are being a master teacher. A wise man once said, “The only reason two people talk to each other is because each is waiting for their turn speak.” You are that guy; you aren’t listening. In fact, the entire time your date is talking you are thinking about telling her how she is wrong.
I will tell you a personal story. One evening after a night in the club, my friends and I stopped for a late night snack. After of few minutes of animated conversation with some strangers, my friend Dave had a beautiful girl sitting on his lap and taking selfies. Playfully, the girl said something about how men have it easier than women. My boy launched into a tirade about how she was wrong, why she was wrong, and blah, blah, blah, blah; yeah you guessed it, the moment was over. She was off his lap and her group of friends was out of door and in a cab faster than I could blink.
How you can make it right: Stop being the teacher and just listen to what your date has to say. Be an active listener. Trust me, your date will reward you later on.
4. You are Boring
Why this is important: You need to be engaging and interesting. Just like the store, you need to have that wow factor that leaves people wanting, yearning, and looking for more.
What you are doing wrong: You aren’t interesting; you are putting your date to sleep. Either you have no conversation, conversation that’s based only on yourself, or conversation that your date simply doesn’t care about.
How can you make it right: Pick up a hobby, read books, listen to podcasts, get active! Interesting people lead interesting lives.
3. You are Partying too Hard
Why this in important: While it’s great to go have a night on the town with the gang and sit back and unwind. It’s not cool to be that loud, obnoxious, drunk person. No one wants to be around that guy. Even more importantly you don’t want to be that guy.
What you are doing wrong: You are lacking self-awareness and self-control. You are partaking of every substance put in front of you known to man and by the end of the night either you had made a series of bad decisions or you are that fool getting wheeled of the club and throwing up profusely in a back alley. Either way you missed your opportunity.
How to make it right: Remember my friend that flew off the handle into master teacher mode (or is like to call him the Elijah Muhammad of Chelsea) part of his problem that night was he had a little too much to drink. Recently he decided he was still going to go out and hit the club scene, but thought it would be a wise decision to cut back on his drinking. In fact many nights he doesn’t drink at all. His level of the game has improved immensely and on a night when everyone is bombed he said he feels superhuman, like the Flash running circles around everyone.
2. You are Looking in the Wrong Places
Why this is important: Let’s go back to are trusty store analogy again. Would you go to Chinese food place to get pizza? A hardware store to pick up the latest copy of “Call of Duty”? A video game store to buy a hammer? You get the picture?
What you are doing wrong: Remember the words of the song, “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places?” Yeah my friend you are doing that in real life. You are in the nightclub looking for “Snow White.” You are in the gym being a nuisance trying to hit on girls that want to focus on their work out.
How can you make it right: The first rule of business is knowing your audience. If you want a mate that is going to cause e you the least amount of drama and have the most in common with, then you need to look for people who are self-aware and looking to improve themselves. Find a hobby that gets you into contact with other singles. Perhaps rock climbing, a running group, yoga, or a local improv group, maybe even amateur acting. Websites like Meetup.com are a good place to start. And even if you don’t find that girl of your dreams you are active, being social, and most importantly you are dating and getting to know yourself.
1. You are Looking for the Wrong Girl
Why this important: Just like you want to be in the right store, you also want to purchase the right product. You want a mate that’s compliments everything you bring to the table.
What you are doing wrong: You are influenced by the images you see on TV and other popular media. You think you need the high maintenance Kimmy K/Meagan Fox girl. So you chase after a girl who isn’t necessarily out of your league but is definitely going to be a high maintenance nightmare.
How to make it right: Be realistic with your choices, not everyone has to be 10 out of gate. While physical attraction is a plus “charm may false and beauty fades”. The low-maintenance OK-looking cool girl rocking the t-shirt and jeans in the art gallery, walking her dog, or even in the bar is an acceptable alternative to the high maintenance drama queen that will give you plenty of restless days and nights.
Honorable mentions go out to you if you aren’t Jay Z (or any other rap, rock or pop star); you don’t have a job, and you still live in your family’s basement.