Greco-Roman Badass #4 – Julius Caesar
Time to talk about the man with the plan. The plan to murder the absolute fuck out of his enemies. The plan to get everybody wanting his babies. To get stabbed 23 different times by his enemies and closest allies! … Okay, maybe he didn’t plan to do that. But the point is that if there was a badass to come out of the Roman politics it was him. Caesar wasn’t just a badass politician, he was a general like no other. Well… he conquered lands and expanded his empire. But he was really fucking good at it.When the battles were done, the enemy would come up to him, sitting on his throne like a pimp and lay down their swords. At his feet. But perhaps his largest case of abnormally large stones comes from his youth.
In 75 BCE when he was 25 years old, Caesar was kidnapped by pirates. Knowing this was the one and the only motha fuckin’ Julius “Bitch Maker” Caesar they wanted a ransom. Their demands was about 20 talents of silver. That’s about $150,000 worth of silver by today’s standards. When you take inflation into account it’s like…it’s a lot of money. And you know what was running through Julius’ mind when he heard their request? “Mother fucker’s don’t understand what I’m worth!” He told them to take their low ball offer and ask for a total of 50 talents of silver. And then he told them that after he was rescued he would have every single one of them crucified and their bodies would line the roads of Rome. Spoiler alert… it wasn’t just trash talk.
